Yes, it is a Red Sox Christmas tree skirt

And the obvious question is: If you like baseball so much, then why are you playing golf?

This is why I was reading Chris Collins’ article, Freesport: A Cancer in the Clubhouse , and it was why I had any idea who Manny Ramirez was. I think maybe this type of reporting about sports is what turns so many of us off to “America’s past-time”. Obviously Collins compares Ramirez to a cancer. A bit of an overstatement. People with cancer may disagree. I suppose it depends on the cancer. Let’s assume Collins means some sort of skin cancer that only requires laser removal of an unsightly mole. OK, maybe Manny is a skin cancer.

But look how Collins describes the seven million dollar deal the Red Sox made to get rid of Ramirez:

“If one were to view this particular deal in the context of a street crime, the Red Sox management would most likely be classified as a victim of aggravated rape.”

Um. I don’t think so. First of all the Red Sox management is like really really rich, so who really cares? Second of all, why do we have to see this deal in the context of a street crime? Sort of degrading to people who have actually survived aggravated rape, not that most of those actually happened on the street. Why can’t we just compare it to…something else. Anything else.

I’ve been involved in a lot of community theater. When we run into someone like Manny Ramirez, we just make the W sign with our hands and go “What a diva! Who does she think she is?”

I’m tempted to do the same thing to Chris Collins and the editors at the Advocate.

Sincerely,
Glenn Johnson
Greenfield, MA
http://apathynation.wordpress.com

Because I know you can’t last another moment without it, here is the full text of the song. Print and save for your next karaoke party.

I Am Just Bored

To the tune of Barry Manilow’s I Write the Songs

I’ve been at your water cooler,

And I know how much you love baseball.

You act as if I give a damn about it.

You’re all “Red Sox!”

And I am just bored.

I’m bored by games that make the whole world cheer.

I watch those games; I swear I’m bored to tears.

I’m bored by games that make the grown men cry,

I’m bored to tears. I’m bored to tears.

My glazed eyes stare back blankly

And you’re going on and on and on.

I try to see things from your side,

But I’m bored again, even though I really tried.

I’m bored by games that make the whole world cheer.

I watch those games; I swear I’m bored to tears.

I’m bored by games that make the grown men cry,

I’m bored to tears. I’m bored to tears.

Oh but baseball makes you rant

Statistics that you can chant.

As you talk RBI’s you start to shake

Baseball gets you off

Kinda cute but I’m gonna barf.

You’re a fan, but not me.

It’s for you not for me.

It’s just not my cup of tea.

I’m bored by games that make the whole world cheer.

I watch those games; I swear I’m bored to tears.

I’m bored by games that make the grown men cry,

I’m bored to tears. I’m bored to tears.

You like baseball and I am just bored.

John Hodgman’s Advice