Believe Me, John Hodgman

According to John Hodgman, Turner’s Falls does not exist, and there was no Secret Show there on July 29, 2008. Nevertheless I called Google 411 (which thankfully does exist) from Palm Springs, California (which does exist, but shouldn’t), at around 6PM Pacific Time and requested that the address and phone number for the Rendezvous in Turners Falls be texted to my phone.

I did this because someone (John Hodgman) was spreading rumors on the Internet that there would indeed be a second “secret” show that night and I was sad I could not be there. I was sad for two reasons. Number 1, I am a single guy and standing in a crowded bar surrounded by strangers may be the most physical contact I can get in a week. Number 2, Mr. Hodgman had attempted to give me some advice about what to do with myself post-Nation-West loss. I thought perhaps I caught him off guard with my question because his only response was to suggest that it was a good thing that someone with my kind of problems was sitting at a bar.

I took this to mean that I should drink a lot and so I ordered a seltzer and lime even though the juice spritzer I had already consumed was quite satisfying. As you might imagine, continuing to drink in this way did nothing for my mood, although it did give me something to do – repetitively empty my bladder.

Remembering that Mr. Hodgman had attempted to answer the phone when it rang at the Rendezvous on the 22nd, I thought perhaps calling in would be a good way to ask a follow-up question. It worked. He took my call. I explained that I had taken his advice about drinking and somehow ended up at a substance abuse prevention conference. He simply told me that he did not believe me, and then started taking other questions. I was left on the other end of the line, hearing all the frivolity and laughter. No one could hear my cries for attention any longer.

I assert that it is indeed true that I was in Palm Springs at a substance abuse prevention conference. I took a photo of me and the statue of Palm Springs’ former mayor, Sonny Bono, to prove it. Maybe I should arrange a seance and see if Sonny Bono has some advice for me or at least will believe my sorry tale.

I was there.

Red Sox Crap Friday: Connect Four

Problem: Connect Four is not sporty enough.

Solution: Cover with Red Sox crap, paint the plastic green, and add stadium seating.

Red Sox Crap Friday: Crocs

Because crocs weren’t ugly enough already.

The Guy with the Beard

The guy with the beard, aka John Snyder, mentioned in my last post, posted a comment to Hodgman‘s blog. It included a thumbnail picture that I can share with you now.

See what I mean?

John Hodgman Gives Me Some Advice

Just back from John Hodgman‘s “Secret Show” at the Rendezvous in Turners Falls. It was just like the final Nation West event a week ago where Aimee was sworn in as President. It was just like that only hotter, crowdeder, and with John Hodgman. We learned a lot about Molemen as John read both from his new book The Areas of My Expertise and from… some other book. I’m sorry I can’t remember. The truth is despite putting “basking in the glow of my defeat” in my Twitter post and bragging to confused strangers about how I don’t have to go to Red Sox Games, I’ve been a little bit sad since my defeat.

You see, I just don’t know what to not care about any more.

Luckily Hodgman’s show was interactive – he fended off some lovely-but-scary audience members with aplomb, and he asked for someone to please read some questions about Molemen. Perhaps since losing the bully pulpit of the Nation West contest, I’ve been a little starved for attention. At any rate when he almost chose me, but instead chose “the guy with the beard” (I know you’re thinking, “but Glenn has a beard”. Well, yes, but this guy was definitely The Guy with the Beard. I was standing right next to the guy and I almost fell in.) – when he chose this guy I felt a little sad. But was heartened that Hodgman remembered me at the very end of the question and answer period.

And I asked him. What do you think I should not care about now that I am done not caring about baseball.

He suggested it was good I was sitting at a bar, that a bar is a good place for someone who has just lost the disinterest of their life. Well everyone keeps telling me that. But no matter how many mango spritzers and seltzer and limes I drink, I still feel the same, only then I’m sad and I have to go to the bathroom.

Thanks anyway, John. It was a nice try. Maybe the one or two of you who are reading this could click “add comment” and share your advice.

Defeat Has Never Tasted So Sweet

I am happy to announce that I was soundly defeated in WRSI’s Nation West contest.

With Amy’s Red Sox tattoo in a risque part of her body, I never had a chance. You know what this means: I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO RED SOX GAMES! Yay!

Now I don’t have to spam my friends to make them vote for me. Double yay! This time it’s really over…

Or is it?

Although I was not offered Red Sox tickets, Monte has invited me to be a regular voice of the opposition party on WRSI. Apparently all the groovy kids at the River really like my stuff, so I will continue to have a venue for my zany anti-baseball antics.

Another venue: I’ve launched this blog. I promise to continue to speak out on behalf of silent-but-bored baseball non-fans everywhere.

Finally: thank you. Your apathy has touched me greatly. I never knew so many people could care so little and matter so much.

Campaign Promises

I, Glenn Johnson, am the candidate who promises to represent your interests as someone who doesn’t care about baseball. While baseball is a great outlet of frustration for people who would otherwise be beating me up, I remain unamused. As President or as lowly citizen I promise to:

1. work on behalf of disinterested wives to see to it that sports-oriented husbands take ballroom dancing lessons.

2. make Valley watercooler discussions as safe for people to disclose their baseball apathy as it is to disclose their sexual orientation.

3. lobby the Red Sox owners to once again sell players to raise money for Broadway musicals.

4. insist on moisturizer being added to the official sunscreen of the Boston Red Sox.

5. update you weekly via my blog apathynation.wordpress.com

Different is good! Indifferent is better! Vote for me!